Affection
by sugahcat
Summary: Sakura contemplates the way she feels about her travelling companions and the difficulties she faces because of losing her memories.


The author's note is at the end, so as not to spoil anything of the story :) 

Thanks to my beta as always, and Umidori because she wanted to read it :)

Disclaimer: All characters belong to CLAMP and not me.

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Affection  
sugahcat 

Sakura sat looking at a magazine full of words she couldn't understand, staring at the pictures of pretty, frilly clothes intently.

In this new world, Syaoran had taken Mokona to go and look for Sakura's feather leaving Kurogane and Fai to look after her. A musical laugh roused her from her daydream and she looked over at her two guardians. Fai was laughing at Kurogane and poking him, much to the chagrin of the ninja. As usual, he seemed to be having a lot of fun tormenting Kurogane. Sakura smiled at them, a slight blush on her face. Fai often seemed to have that effect on her, though she wasn't sure why.

Although she was doing her best to stay awake, she still did not feel complete, did not feel herself. It often felt like she was walking through a dream; as though the events in her life were nothing more substantial than mist. Yet she knew it was real, and that the more feathers they found, the more real they would become.

It was sweet, to have one cute boy and two handsome men looking after her, but sometimes Sakura was annoyed that she needed them when she felt helpless with her condition. She wanted to do more to help; wanted to be able to find her own feathers rather than counting on the others to do it for her. The more feathers they found, the more likely she would be able to do things herself, so for the minute she would just have to rely on them.

As she watched the two adults, she felt her blush deepen. Fai was looking at Kurogane now, a warm smile curving his lips. He had such beautiful blue eyes. When he looked at her, it made her feel safe and warm, and it made her feel happy—it made her feel loved. She had to bend her head forward so that her hair would hide crimson cheeks.

Her jumbled, holey memory made things difficult for her. Sometimes she wouldn't know the names of things; couldn't identify them as she knew she should have been able to. The way she felt about Fai were one of those things. She knew she loved him, but she knew she loved Syaoran as well. Of course, she hadn't told either of them the way she felt, mostly because it confused her. Surely you couldn't love two people at once? The way she felt about the two of them was different, as well. It was impossible for her to identify exactly what was different, though. The only way for her to find out would be to ask someone.

The best thing would probably be to ask Kurogane, since he was outside of the little love triangle. She was starting to like him now that she could see his caring, protective side through the thorniness of his personality, but he still scared her a little, and if nothing else, she didn't think he was really the sort of person to ask about this sort of thing. The only other person to ask was Mokona, and Sakura wasn't sure if the bunny-thing would really know much about human relationships.

It looked like she would have to talk to either Fai or Syaoran. Sakura had been thinking about this for a while now. Feeling that she loved two people made her feel strange— almost as though she were betraying someone's trust even though (at least as far as she could remember) she wasn't actually in a relationship with anyone. As well, it upset her, feeling confused as she did. Something had to be done to sort this out.

Who would be the best to talk to between Fai and Syaoran? Instantly, she was drawn to ask Fai. Perhaps he was a little laidback about things, but where it mattered, he could be serious. He was an adult; as such he would have more experience of these things. Sakura still felt hugely embarrassed to ask him, though. What if he just laughed at her when she told him she loved him? What if he just saw her as a little girl and nothing more?

On the other hand, even that would be better than this lingering feeling of being torn between the two of them, and something in her refused to let her talk to Syaoran about this. She would tell Fai how she felt.

Looking up as she heard Kurogane growl in annoyance, she watched as he stalked out of the room. Fai watched him go, grinning. Seeing Sakura watching, he laughed.

"I think I upset poor Kuro-myu. We'd better have him go let off some steam, hmm?"

Sakura smiled, a little weakly. "I—I guess so."

Tilting his head, Fai's smile dropped a little, although it didn't disappear completely. "Is everything alright, Sakura-chan? You seem a little quiet today."

"I-" She started, and then stood and walked over to him, deciding that now would be the perfect time. Bowing a little, she stuttered her way through her confession. "Fai-san, I need to tell you something. I know I'm a little dreamy, and I know I'm still a long way from getting my memories back, but—I need to tell you—I think—I think I love you." When she dared look up, it was to a Fai who was so startled he wasn't smiling at all. Not only that, he seemed speechless, and a silent Fai seemed wrong somehow. Sakura felt the need to fill the silence. "That is, I love Syaoran too. I mean—I—I know it's wrong of me to love both of you, but it's different, but I needed to tell you—"

"Sakura-chan! Calm down, it's alright." Fai had his smile back, but it was soft and sincere this time. "I understand, don't worry."

"Y—you do?" Sakura's cheeks were burning hot, and she felt hugely embarrassed.

"Yes, I do." Fai laid a hand on her arm. "Because you don't have all of your memories, it must be hard for you to understand the way you feel sometimes, and especially to understand why you feel the way you feel—am I right?"

"Yes!" Sakura said, relieved. "That's right."

"And it's kinda scary, huh?"

"Yes," she said quietly. "It's scary."

Fai smiled at her, reaching out a hand to cup her cheek. "Don't worry. We all feel like that sometimes—even those of us who have all of our memories intact. But I think I understand what you mean."

"You do?"

"Mmm-hmm. I think Syaoran-kun said you have an older brother?"

"Yes. King Touya."

"And you love him?"

"Of course!"

"And is the way you feel about me like the way you feel about him?"

Staring at him, Sakura concentrated on her brother. Handsome and strong, he was teasing, but was nonetheless a loving brother and a good king. A pang of longing hit her as she realized she missed him. The way she felt about him was, she realized suddenly, very similar to how she felt about Fai. "I think it is," she whispered.

"I thought so. You care about me like a member of your family, and I feel the same way about you. You're like a little sister to me, Sakura-chan. Just like Touya-sama, I want to protect you and make sure you're alright. I want to look after you while he's not here. Do you understand?"

Sakura nodded before wrapping her arms around the too-thin blond. "Yes. Thank you, Fai-san." She felt him hug her back. "And where I can, I want to be there for you as a sister would be, so if there's anything I can do to help you, please tell me." Although there were some things Sakura did not feel she could do, she was very aware that Fai was in a lot of pain and often felt lonely, though she didn't know why. If there was anything she could do to help him, she wanted to.

"I will, Sakura-chan." He released her. "Thank you."

Sakura's brow furrowed as her mind followed the logical path to the next problem. "But if the way I feel about you is like how I feel about Touya, then..."

"How do you feel towards Syaoran?" Fai stood, smiling. "For that, you'll have to figure out for yourself. But it's not the way you feel about Touya-sama, is it?"

"No," Sakura said softly, smiling shyly as she thought about the boy who was traveling with her. Syaoran made her feel safe and warm just as Fai did, but at the same time he could leave her feeling unbalanced and giddy. Whenever she saw him, her heart beat did double-time and quite often his presence caused her to blush. Her eyes widened - if she loved Fai like a member of the family, then the way she felt about Syaoran was the other kind of love - the romantic kind.

"Do you understand? I'll give you a clue, just in case" Fai said, an amused smile curving his lips. "It's the same way I feel about Kuro-sama. Who, hopefully, has calmed down now." Giving a tinkling laugh, Fai squeezed her arm gently and moved to leave the room. "When you see Syaoran-kun, you should have this discussion with him. Tell him how you feel, Sakura- chan."

"I will!" Sakura said, nodding determinedly before realizing what Fai meant about the way he felt towards Kurogane. Her eyes widened. "Oh! You—you and Kurogane-san—!"

"Yep," Fai said with a grin. "And if I can tell scary old Kuro-pippi how I feel, you can tell Syaoran-kun. It's worth it—more than worth it." He winked at her, calling "I'm rooting for you, Sakura-chan! Good luck!" before dodging out of the room.

Sakura sat down, wondering about Fai and Kurogane in love. They made a very cute couple, she decided, blushing and smiling at a vision of them caught in a kiss. It was a very nice image. However, she had her own love life to think about.

How could she tell Syaoran the way she felt about him? Now that she realized the way she felt about Fai, she understood why she had been able to talk to him about it. Syaoran was a different matter.

It had to be perfect. But when would be perfect? And how to do it? Should she plan something out or just say it when it felt right? What should she do?

Suddenly she wished she'd asked Fai for more advice. It all seemed so complicated and so scary, this romance. There was the matter of timing, of saying the right words, of making him understand what he meant to her. How would he respond?

She was so busy worrying about this that she completely missed Syaoran entering the room until he was stood beside her.

"Princess Sakura? Is everything alright?"

"Oh!" She said, flustered and blushing. "Yes! Everything's fine."

Syaoran didn't look convinced, but he nodded. "Well, alright..."

"Is this the shopping?" Sakura said, jumping up and grabbing a bag of groceries. "Here, let me help you put this away!" Unpacking groceries wasn't the best time to declare love and devotion, Sakura decided. Soon, she'd tell him. Next time they saw each other, she'd tell him she loved him; next time would be best.

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A/N: I know there's no precedent in the manga for Sakura feeling anything for Fai, but I wanted to write something Sakura/Fai just because :P And then I decided I wanted to make it something like her confession to Yukito in CCS. Whether or not I've succeeded in any way, shape or form, you'll have to let me know :) 

BTW, any comments whining about the shonen-ai-ness will be laughed at and then ignored, so don't bother.


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